I can deeply relate because that has been me in so many ways! My crippling sense of loneliness and weirdness accompanied my life from very early on. My deep desire of belonging drove my constant search for love outside of myself.  Whenever that love didn't seem to be at offer anymore, I would run. Even to the other end of the world. After ending my first marriage and throwing myself into a new relationship that ended quickly, I knew that something had to change! I started making changes in my life, but I was still only scratching the surface. 

It was the birth of my daughter that truly initiated a new chapter in my life, and not in the way I had expected. Becoming a mother brought me down on my knees. And this time running was not an option for me.

During my initial years of motherhood I felt extremely lonely, incapable and burnt out. I tried to be everything for my daughter because I needed her to love me to feel enough. I needed everyone around me to approve how I was mothering her. I worked so hard to be that mother I had seen myself to be in my childish phantasies, while also pretending to have a successful full time job, building a business and running a household. All this while making sure that nobody would ever see how I was truly feeling inside. Empty. Full of rage. Deeply sad. Filled with self-hatred. Hopeless. An absolute failure. A terrible mother. I had burned myself to the ground, driven by my desperate search for love and approval and my need to be the embodiment of perfection in all areas of my life. I reached a point where I could barely function and I knew something deep down had to change.

I knew I had to start searching for answers inside of myself instead of looking for external things to fill the void inside of me. I knew I had to finally be honest about my own childhood experience and allow myself to feel the pain I had pushed down for so many years. I knew I had to stop running from myself. 

And that's the path I am still walking today. It's been a rocky path and it has challenged me over and over again. AND I wouldn't change a thing about it. It's made me the woman I am today. It's pushed to towards finding a deep sense of compassion for myself and slowly inviting more and more parts of me to come back home. I believe that this is a lifelong journey and I am committed to walking it.

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I want you to know, my love, that I am not on the other side, nor am I your last chance for a better life or motherhood. I am right here next to you walking my own path of healing and self-reclamation.